Breakfast Club

I can’t be witty today. I just can’t. Too tired from my long day.

I went out to breakfast this morning with my two college friends who were in town for a few days — Bridget, from Central Mass., and Alex visiting from L.A.

Being three girls out at brunch, we covered all the usual Sex and the City-like topics. Minus the sex. And the city.

1. Alex reminds Bridget of the time she tried reiki (Hands-on healing. Think transference of “life force energy” from healer to healee) and it made her cry.

Me: Oh my God! That’s what Mr. Miyagi did to the Karate Kid! I can’t believe it took me this long to figure that out.

Alex pats my arm. Naturally, it makes me cry.

2. Bridget tells us that she has chickens.

Alex: Ohh! What are you going to name them?

Bridget: Uh, I don’t know. Breakfast, lunch and dinner? They’re for eating.

Alex, a vegetarian: I can’t believe you!

Me: Oh my god! Are you going to slaughter them yourself?

Bridget: I don’t think we should talk about this right now.

Me: When are you going to do it? Can I watch? Will you take a video?

3. Bridget tells us she also has bees.

Alex: Are you going to eat those too? What does bee meat taste like, Bridget?

Me: Do you have a beekeeping suit?

Alex: When Pauric (her husband) wears it, does it turn you on?

Me: Is there a pee hole in it?

Alex: Are you going to wear a beard of bees?

Me: What’s a beard of bees?

Alex: You know, you wear bees around your face.

Me: And then what?

4. Bridget, a masseuse, tells us about her clients. Specifically, the one woman who lets out a squealing fart every time she adjusts position, and the lech who says, “Oh, yeah, that’s great. I can feel it going right to my groin,” and, oh, yeah, by the way, Bridget’s reputation has gotten around, and Leonardo DiCaprio wants to try out her magic hands.

Me: Wait, what? I can’t tell if you’re serious or not.

Bridget: I gave out my cards at a movie set because everyone seemed stressed out. So I started offering chair massages there. I mean, the chances of him calling, though…

Me: Do you think you can make him cry?

I’ve just had a brilliant idea. I think you should start combining your bees with massage therapy. It’ll be all the buzz in Hollywood (yuk, yuk). You can give them a beard of bees while you massage them with honey, and then if they get stung, you can just heal them all up, Mr. Miyagi style, with reiki. Why hasn’t someone thought of this before? Bridget, I’m so going to make you rich. Oh, and if that lech tells you he can feel it in his groin, just direct the bees right to his balls.