Twitter: The Ultimate Circle Jerk

“Oh, so you know what happened to me yesterday?” I said to Ryan while we were sitting at our desks.

“One second, sweetie.” I looked over at him and saw him tapping away on his iPhone. Mm-hmm. Like I even had to guess. He was Twittering.

“Okay, so… are you listening?” I asked.

“Can we talk at the beach?” he said.

I shot him the “you did not just say that” look.

“Okay, you can have five minutes,” he said, laughing. Except, he was serious.

“Really? You’re granting me five minutes so you can get back to one-upping a bunch of strangers with your witty comebacks and observations? Here’s my observation: we are going to have a Twitter-free day at the beach.”

Yeah, like that happened. Instead — another perfectly male solution — he thought he could make everything better by reading all of his Twitters to me, I guess in the spirit of inclusion. The result: I felt like I was watching him court his new male crush — a bromance, I believe it’s called — on awryone.

I’ve decided that Twitter is the ultimate masturbatory vehicle, just behind porn. Nothing like a verbal circle jerk to turn a guy on. You know, I’ll stroke your ego if you stroke mine: “Me? Witty? Oh, stop. You’re making me blush!” So here’s to Twitter: making men kinda sorta almost gay since 2006. I am so not bitter.