Disabling the Enabler

Last night, Ryan and I were in our weekly therapy session with possibly the world’s best shrink (not to be confused with the world’s hottest shrink who I see individually whenever the world starts to feel a little wobbly).

Yesterday, it was Ryan’s turn to be picked apart. We switch off, depending on who’s having the grievance of the week. You know: “I’m wading through dog hair and Ryan doesn’t think the apartment needs to be cleaned.” “If the cable’s broken, Jill will go a week without TV rather than get it fixed.” Luckily, I arrived before Ryan and got to complain before he even walked in the door. Poor Ryan. So we spent the hour dissecting one of his habits. Score one for me.

Our therapist told us that in order to change unsaid behavior, we need to challenge each other to act in a new way. So part of my role is to react differently and not indulge him.

“So…” our shrink said, “you could say to him, ‘Ryan, would you like me to enable you right now or not?’”

I burst out laughing. “That’s awful!” I said.

“And could I get you a wet nurse, maybe change your diaper?” added Ryan.

“I’m serious!” she said, laughing. “You need to find a way to add humor to the situation so it’s not a source of tension or shame.”

Hmm. Okay, if you say so. You’re the doc.

Later that night while we were watching TV, I went down to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

“Honey, can you grab me a napkin while you’re downstairs?” Ryan yelled.

“Are you sure you want me to enable you right now, dear?”

“Go fuck yourself, sweetness.”

“Okay, love. Could I get some help with that?”

“I don’t know, darling. I think that might be enabling you. Are you sure you can’t do it yourself?”

“All right, babe. I’ll give it a shot. Thanks for not enabling me. And you can get your own fucking napkin.”