Coffee Loves Me

I rescind, I rescind! All that anxiety last night about coffee killing me was for naught! (I think exclamation points are a side-effect of too much caffeine!)

I am going to caffeinate like crazy today to celebrate the news that coffee is going to extend my life by 12,000 years. And then tonight I’m going to drink myself into oblivion on red wine because it “reduces fat cells.” Since it also protects the liver, here’s the question I’ve been pondering for some time now: Can alcoholics who drink nothing but red wine even get cirrhosis?

Someone should study my old landlord/roommate to figure that one out. He is this short, balding Danny DeVito type who bought cases of Two-Buck Chuck by the truckload. I’d get up in the morning, walk out to the living room, and find corks and empty bottles littered across the rug. I made the mistake of coming out of my room one night while he had a few lady friends over. They shrieked and ducked behind the couch to hide the fact that they were topless. Ah, nothing like a glimpse of naked middle-aged San Diego women who have spent too much time in the sun to make you swear off the beach forever. Then they invited me to join them. Someday I’ll tell you the stories. I’m still trying to block them out.