Everything’s Coming Up Roses

I don’t know why I’m in such a panic lately. I got up this morning and filled up on coffee until the usual heart palpitations kicked in, which normally I don’t mind. I love my coffee. I adore my coffee. Getting hyperstimulated to the point of giddiness is one of the great things about my morning java. But an article I read recently on the effects of caffeine on the brain kind of freaked me out a little. Apparently, we have this thing called the blood-brain barrier that protects our noggins from bad, bad things. Caffeine, being the impish drug it is, can penetrate it, and actually seeps into our brain cells. Fascinating, isn’t it? Of course, it didn’t help that I drank five shots of iced espresso that day, and was reading it in bed as I was trying to fall asleep. As you can imagine, I didn’t sleep so well that night.

Tonight, feeling stressed out from my work day, I went to seek solace in some mindless TV. Our TiVo of course failed to record Oprah (always good for a derisive laugh or two). So instead I turned on the news and watched a report about sudden heart attacks. Both my dad and his dad have had heart attacks and quadruple bypass surgery. My mom’s dad died of a massive heart attack, as did her brother. Heart disease in my family? Hah. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Is that my heart fluttering?

So then I figured it was time to pop a bottle of red wine (good for the heart, no?). One whiff of it and I knew it was bad. When do you ever buy a spoiled bottle of wine? I mean, what are the chances? I took a sip, and, yup, vinegar. Down the drain it went.

So I decided to flip through my magazines that arrived in the mail today. Money tells me all of the paranoid reasons why I should be snooping on my boyfriend’s finances (he’s hiding something from you!), and ponders “how bad is the recession going to get?” Meanwhile, New York magazine reports bicycle fatalites in the city are higher than they’ve been in eight years.

Well, fuck it then. And I wonder why, why, for the love of God, why, I am so drawn to bad reality TV shows like The Bachelorette. Cuz they’re the farthest thing from reality as we can get, and right now, I can’t wait to stuff myself silly on the worst TV show ever. Oh, yes, Deanna, I will accept this rose.