We Are Not Amused

I went to visit my family in Massachusetts for Memorial Day weekend. We laughed, we cried. We cried and cried some more. Turns out, Mom and Dad read the blog. (Hi Mom! Hi Dad!) So Mom and Dad knew that I quit my job — I guess that also means they know my sister had [...]

Go Go Greyhound Mobile

I am blogging by iPhone. Surely, that’s some kind of status symbol. Or, I should say, it would be were I not currently traveling by Greyhound on this lovely Memorial Day Friday. Don’t pity me too much, though. The recycled air smells like peanut butter cups. That more than makes up for the parking lot [...]

Your Dad Left Me. Call Me Back

My mom left me a voicemail today saying, “Your father left me. I don’t know if he’ll come to his senses or not, probably not, because he’s your father. But I don’t know if I should sell the house or what I should do. Anyway, talk to you later.”
That was her way of getting me [...]

Dancing Makes Me Itchy

Last year, Ryan and I vacationed in Playa del Carmen, Mexico. It was fabulous, of course, until we got the call that his mom had suffered a heart attack back in Boston. That part wasn’t so much fun. Not compared to the night when we cleared the dance floor with Ryan’s outrageous boogie moves.
“I’ll have [...]

Two Cougars Walk into a Bar

On Friday night, my friend Linda and I were sitting at a bar, yelling over the loud music when a girl came up behind us and started yelling — also trying to be heard over the music — to her very drunk friend whose hand she was holding. “It’s going to be okay. I’m going [...]

This Is No Longer a Vacation

I’ve decided that I need to become a police officer so I can get away with whatever I want. A priest would be an option, too, if I weren’t a woman. I do love me some underage boys. To play with, I mean. And, no, not in that manner. The other manner. Which I will [...]

Speaking of Women on Toilets

[WARNING: NUDITY TO FOLLOW]
Have I mentioned how open-minded I am about sexuality and women’s bodies? You know, every woman has a right to feel sexy and love her body no matter what she looks like, etc., etc.? If a 450-pound woman wants to frolic naked on the beach and cause a tsunami on the other [...]

I Love My Dead Gay Son… and Kelly Ripa

Filed under Things That Should Embarrass Me But Don’t:
I love Kelly Ripa. And Jenny McCarthy. If I could meet one famous person, it wouldn’t be my one and only crush since high school Johnny Depp, and it wouldn’t be the woman I want to be the first female president, Hillary Clinton (I know I just [...]

Sweat and Tears, but No Blood Yet

Money I’ve made this week writing: $304.
Yesterday was the first time I came home from my writing class not crying. We’re writing personal essays, so not only do I have my writing torn up, I also have my life scrutinized.
“Really? I don’t believe you and Ryan are really that close. You’ve been living together for [...]

Windex: The New Liquid Courage

Last night a group of us went to dinner at a place in Brooklyn called Chez Lola for our friends’ birthdays. Linda and Adam are married and share the same birthday. They kind of look alike, too. Except that he’s Jewish, and she’s not… yet.
While at dinner, my friend Michele raised a glass to toast [...]