Who Wouldn’t Want a Blue Bush?

I love finding freebies on the giveaway table at work, almost as much as the free champagne and sushi we gorged on today up on the 44th floor of our office building – we’re talking executive suites with ceiling to floor windows that give you a view of the entire Manhattan island. So this is what it’s like to look down on the world.

There were mini burgers and pate and chicken fingers and crab puffs, but I wasn’t going to waste my appetite on mere $2.50 morsels. My palate is much too refined for such culinary baubles. Much in the way Spitzer’s call girl is too classy for Girls Gone Wild now. Yes, I’m comparing myself to a prostitute. Stick a slab of toro (fatty tuna belly) onto your hairy orangutan back and see if I won’t lick it off. I’m not proud. But I am in recovery. My rock bottom? The day I broke out in hives after eating two-day-old sushi. I think I’m lucky to be alive.

But what I got off of the freebie table the other day was something that you will all beg me for, and I won’t give it to you. Don’t even bother asking. Please, no hate mail. It was Malibu Betty Color for the Hair Down There. As it says on the packaging, “Malibu Betty is aqualicious and boogie board ready. Ride the wave downtown.” It even – don’t all freak out now like a gaggle of girls at a Justin Timberlake concert– comes with free stencils. Now what a fun, crafty idea for those do-it-yourselfers. I think our magazine would really get behind it – I mean, so family-friendly, don’t you think? Maybe family-inducing. I hope it’s permanent dye, otherwise guys might be walking around looking like they just ate a blue razz berry Blow Pop. “Arr, just call me Bluebeard, the booty-treasure-hunting pirate.” Maybe it’ll become a trend and status symbol in Hollywood – the new notch on your belt. It would sure help us keep track of who’s sleeping with whom. I mean, if we cared about that kind of stuff. Yes, I sure do love looking down on the world.